Breaking the Silence: My Journey as a Genderfluid Person
If you ever meet me on the street, I’ll say I’m non-binary. Online, in person, friend or not, my identity stays stagnant. However, this identity is a bit of a lie. My non-binary identity is only an umbrella term I use to disguise the more complex process at play. But in today’s post, I’m breaking my silence and discussing the reality of who I am and the way I see the world. I’m not non-binary; I’m genderfluid.
Our app, Q Guide, describes genderfluidity as "a term used to describe individuals who experience a fluid and changing gender identity over time." This broad terminology can be confusing to many, but it is key to understanding a genderfluid perspective. Genderfluidity can differ greatly from person to person in terms of presentation, identity, frequency of identity shifts, and more.
Before we begin, I'd like to note the following post does not reflect the perspectives and experiences of all genderfluid, nonbinary, or transgender individuals. Gender identity is often a very personal and complex matter, so please understand that I can only speak to my own experiences as a genderfluid person.
To help you understand my perspective, I'd like to address why I originally started calling myself non-binary. I've had a long and complicated journey as a genderfluid person, and the current education about LGBTQ identities is lacking. While I fight each day to create content promoting positivity and education for LGBTQ identities, there is still a significant knowledge gap, even for those who consider themselves allies. Often, the most recognized identities are most prominent in the acronym (lesbian, gay, bi, and trans). In contrast, the identities encompassed in the "plus" are left primarily unknown and rarely spoken about or shown in media. This is primarily because these identities are less spoken about and visible to those unfamiliar with the “Alphabet Mafia”. As a vocal advocate for LGBTQ topics, addressing myself as a more "well-known" identity can quickly convey my experiences without the nuance of details.
Furthermore, my secondary identity as non-binary is crucial to my perspective of genderfluidity. Unlike the stereotypical depictions of genderfluid individuals, my identity doesn't oscillate between fully male and fully female; instead, it moves along a spectrum of identities within the nonbinary umbrella. Some days, I feel more like a demigirl, partially aligning with femininity but also outside the gender binary. On other days, I may feel more like a demiboy (the male equivalent of a demigirl) or agender, lacking a connection to any gender. No matter what the day, I feel like some "flavor" of nonbinary, so that's what I reduce my identity to.
The stability in my identity has afforded me privileges that are not always accessible to genderfluid individuals with continuously shifting identities. For example, it has allowed me to confidently choose a unisex name and stick to consistent pronouns (they/them) without causing any gender dysphoria. (Check out our blog post for more on this topic).
Maintaining a central identity offers some stability to my life, but it doesn't eliminate the challenges of gender dysphoria that silently affect me in ways similar to my genderfluid peers. Sometimes, I go days, weeks, or even months without a shift in my internal direction, while other times, I may only go a few hours. These periods make understanding my sense of self a challenging process.
In particularly long periods of a masculine identity, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps I was secretly a transgender man all along. Then, out of nowhere, I can feel a disconnect from the identity I felt so strongly about the day prior.
On the other hand, I have periods of alignment with my AGAB (Assigned gender at birth). These moments can be pleasant and sometimes provide me a break from physical dysphoria. However, I’ve found periods of alignment with my AGAB make it difficult to personally validate my trans identity. During these periods I'd find myself asking, "Was I ever really trans at all?"
I want to make it clear, at this point, I'm not confused about my gender identity. I know I’m genderfluid, and I know I am trans. Despite this certainty, identity shifts and ongoing transphobia in society have allowed doubts and confusion to remain a constant in my mind.
It can be challenging to know what identity my brain aligns with. It's a far more complex process than simply waking up and knowing. Some days I’ll find my inner identity easily and recognize my alignment when I look in a mirror. I'll see myself as far more masculine or feminine depending on the day, even if my presentation was the same as the day before. This can be a positive feeling of certainty, and I can inherently know and see myself as more male- or female-leaning.
Other times, it's dysphoria informing my alignment, centered around a choice I've made to express a previous gender alignment. This can be simple things such as a masculine haircut or painted nails. When my alignment is the inverse of these previously gender-affirming qualities, it can create feelings of dysphoria instead. While I can use this internal dysphoria to align my expression, my alignment still isn't always clear.
When I’m out of alignment with my inner identity, it can be difficult to find a gender expression that is affirming. Sometimes, I'll express myself in a way that I think aligns with my inner identity, only to find a disconnect. These feelings of disconnect trigger my dysphoria and I’ll have to shift my expression numerous times until I can find something that “clicks”. If I can’t find this expression, it can trigger feelings of unease and discomfort for the rest of the day.
Despite all of this, I love my life as a genderfluid person. Living life with an identity that shifts allows me to understand the diverse perspectives around me. I can find qualities in common with all identities across the gender spectrum and advocate with empathy. I can also use my platform to express the struggles and joy centered around trans identities like my own.
Aligning with any identity under the Transgender umbrella can be a fulfilling and difficult process. Our unique perspectives on life certainly have their difficulties at times, but by utilizing our community we can surpass these challenges.
Before I sign off, I’d like to note: A community of friends, family, and online support can be incredibly useful if you’re currently struggling to find yourself. It’s also okay to not fully understand or change your mind about your identity. Sexuality and gender are fluid; sometimes it’s a process to decide what terms, or lack of terms, are best for you. No one can decide what words fit you best except you. I encourage you to experiment and find what works.
All this to say, gender is something that only you can define. Finding communal support can turn diverging from norms into an empowering journey of self-expression and discovery. I hope in reading this, you were able to gain a better understanding of the variation in trans identities and the ongoing struggles and joys my transgender siblings and I may face.
Never stop exploring.